


to clear my conscience

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [5]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Healing, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: 2B thought about that, then exhaled deeply, something in her chest seeming to loosen. “I never have to be ‘2E’ again. I… can be 2B now, for real.” After talking to A2 the other week, she felt more comfortable allowing herself this.She looked at 2B for a moment before looking back to the sky, hints of sadness in her expression. “I don’t understand why they would use No. 2 data for an E-type model. Making someone whose nature is to fight only for their comrades be an E-type… was cruel.”A2 understood her. She had just put words to the instinct 2B had felt from the beginning. But how did—Oh. After all, A2 was a No. 2 model as well… “I always told myself at first that by executing those who betrayed YoRHa, I was protecting everyone else,” she said softly, tears forming in her eyes. “…Until it was 9S. Until then, I really believed what I was doing was just, but with the cycle we were placed into… I understand Commander couldn’t see any other way, but it was… a cruel fate.”
Relationships: 2B/A2 (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	to clear my conscience

2B sighed again, her gaze fixed on the sky as she continued to process the revelation that the moon was devoid of humans and all their sacrifices had been pointless, as well as that they were powered by machine cores rather than typical android AI.

She couldn’t quite say that she regretted fighting. For a long time now, it wasn’t mankind who she was fighting for, but rather the chance at happiness alongside 9S. None of this really changed that wish.

It was strange, though. In a way, her wish had been granted. She would never have to kill 9S again. The two of them and A2 had the option now to live as peacefully as they liked. In fact, it was only a couple of weeks ago that she and A2 had been talking about finding meaning through those she cared about. They had their whole lives ahead of them to do as they pleased.

She should be happy, so why did she still feel such agony?

There was no question that the loss of the other YoRHa units weighed on her. She felt hopeful about 6O and 21O being brought back through A2’s plan, though.

So why did her heart ache like this?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice calling to her: “2B?”

2B turned and saw that A2 had joined her on the rooftop. “A2.”

A2 came to sit beside 2B. “You look like you could use some company.”

She was reluctant to admit that A2 was exactly correct, but the way her body relaxed ever so slightly gave it away all the same if the other android noticed.

Comforting others wasn’t really something she had ever had reason to do before recently, and finding herself in this position again made her feel awkward. But she saw 2B as a friend, and she knew how painful it felt to be alone and distressed.

“I have what I’d wished for for such a long time,” 2B said, her gaze fixed on the sky. “I would have thought that would make me happy.”

A surge of bitterness welled up within A2, and she stayed quiet until it passed to ensure she wouldn’t take it out on 2B. Her own wish… could never be granted. She could never go back and change things so that her comrades and the Resistance members would survive. The closest thing she could get to peace would be her own death, but because of No. 4’s last words to her, she couldn’t bring herself to intentionally cause that, and apparently the universe wasn’t done with her yet.

“I wanted a world where 9S and I could both survive. One where I wouldn’t have to kill him anymore. But I…” She placed a hand to her chest, intensely aware of the sharp ache inside. Now that she voiced the words aloud, she found herself understanding a little better. “I wonder if I should be allowed that kind of happiness.”

“Allowed, huh.” A2 kept her gaze on the sky. “You know, we’re in a war. … _Were_ in a war. All of us have done things that can’t be forgiven. Every one of us, directly or through cooperation. Seems like you forgive everyone but yourself.”

Not like she was one to talk. But… her actions were different, in her eyes. She surmised that 2B was talking about her actions as an E-type model, so she was only doing her part in the war. Her own actions of getting the Resistance members involved had been due to weakness. And as the leader, if anyone had had to sacrifice themselves, it should have been her. It was due to her own cowardice and selfishness then that she was alive when they weren’t.

2B regarded her, thinking those words over carefully. She did raise a good point, but wasn’t accepting that a little convenient for herself? It wasn’t necessarily about her actions, anyway. It was about her design. She was created for no reason other than to kill her comrades. What kind of person did that make her, inherently?

“I was created to kill my comrades,” she pointed out, looking down at her hands.

“Not like you got a say in how you were created. If anyone is to blame for that, isn’t it Command?”

2B hesitated. She knew that A2 felt betrayed by Command, but she had always felt that Commander cared for them as best she could while fulfilling her role. It was true that it was because of her orders that they had gone through the things they had, but… she trusted that Commander was genuinely acting in the best interests of some greater purpose. 9S had said that Commander knew there were no humans, so… she sure wished she knew what that purpose was, but she still trusted her all the same.

Putting that aside, A2 wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t as though she had asked to be created, much less as an E-type. “But I’m still the one who has to live with the consequences of who I am.”

“Here’s the way I see it. Until now, you didn’t have a choice. What you do now shows who you really are.” She placed her hands behind her and leaned back, trying to block out the self-doubt regarding her own character.

2B thought about that, then exhaled deeply, something in her chest seeming to loosen. “I never have to be ‘2E’ again. I… can be 2B now, for real.” After talking to A2 the other week, she felt more comfortable allowing herself this.

She looked at 2B for a moment before looking back to the sky, hints of sadness in her expression. “I don’t understand why they would use No. 2 data for an E-type model. Making someone whose nature is to fight only _for_ their comrades be an E-type… was cruel.”

A2 understood her. She had just put words to the instinct 2B had felt from the beginning. But how did— _Oh._ After all, A2 was a No. 2 model as well… “I always told myself at first that by executing those who betrayed YoRHa, I was protecting everyone else,” she said softly, tears forming in her eyes. “…Until it was 9S. Until then, I really believed what I was doing was just, but with the cycle we were placed into… I understand Commander couldn’t see any other way, but it was… a cruel fate.”

“Yeah.” Her anger at Command surfaced intensely, and she wanted to deride Command for seeing them as disposable. For now, she forced herself to bite her tongue. As angry as she was, 2B had enough on her mind without her adding to it.

They sat together in silence for a while. When 2B spoke again, she felt calmer than before. “I don’t know if I deserve happiness. I don’t know if an E-type can be worthy, even if I pretend I’m a B-type. But… for 9S and 6O who stayed by my side, and everyone who was lost… I think I owe it to them to find a way to move forward.”

Abruptly, A2 got to her feet, her back turned to 2B, hands clenched into fists.

“A2?” She stood, but when she tried to stand beside A2, the other unit turned so she could still only see her back. When A2’s fists began to tremble, she placed a hand on her arm. “A2…”

“Give me a minute!” Her tone was biting, but also strained as she tried to keep it together. Undoubtedly, speaking so harshly was an attempt to hide how she felt.

She understood. She really, really did. Not what was on A2’s mind, but the frantic need for space to pull oneself together when not wanting to let your emotions on around others. Her hand trailed down to hold A2’s. “Okay.”

2B wanted to reassure her, as A2 had just done for her, even if she wasn’t sure she would know how. She searched her memory banks for something that might clue her into what was on A2’s mind, and soon remembered: _What if the cycle I’m trapped in is losing every single person I care about?_

A2 was the sole survivor of a mission she had been on. 2B didn’t know the circumstances beyond that, but she could only surmise that something about what she said brought up painful memories. She thought about apologizing, but A2 had asked for time, so she decided the best thing would be just to wait it out with her.

When she had calmed enough, A2 unfurled her hand and shifted so she was holding 2B’s in return. With a gentle tug to request for 2B to follow her, she moved to sit back down. “Sorry for snapping at you again. I guess I’m not much good at comforting people.”

“That’s not true. I feel better after talking to you. And it’s okay to say you need a minute.”

It was okay to say, but she didn’t need to say it like that. Still, if she hadn’t snapped at her, she was worried she might have cried. A2 ran a hand through her hair. It didn’t excuse it, but she felt damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. “Anger… is what’s kept me going, since that day. But I don’t want to take it out on you.”

That day… probably something pertaining to the events that led her to lose her comrades, 2B supposed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

A2 shook her head vehemently.

“Okay.” Hand in hand, they sat together.

After a while of sitting together in silence, A2’s shoulders slumped. She wondered if she was screwing this up. In fact, even just generally speaking, she wondered sometimes if she had been a defective model after all. She hadn’t used to think so, but after learning the purpose of her mission, it wouldn’t be terribly surprising. Making her defective to stunt her abilities in some fashion, or as some sort of test.

It was obvious to her that 2B was trying to be her friend. And as much as it scared her to open herself up to the risks involved in getting close to someone… she found that she wanted that too. Undeniably, that had actually been going relatively well, supporting 2B as best she could and feeling supported in return. But she had often said the wrong things even before, and her social skills had definitely not gotten _better_ after living the past few years completely isolated.

“I promised I would try not to push you away anymore,” A2 acknowledged, her voice soft. “But I don’t… know how to let you in.” Not when it came to her past.

2B tilted her head slightly. “Isn’t that what you’re doing now?”

That got a small smile. “I’m trying.” Her smile fell as she admitted, “The things that happened before… I try not to think about them. I don’t want to talk about them.”

“I understand.” She definitely did understand that concept. Even though the memories often came to her mind unbidden, she tried to think about having to kill 9S as little as possible. She knew what pain memories could bring.

“It’s… kind of nice. Not to be alone anymore,” she confessed. Her voice was barely above a whisper, as though she wasn’t sure she dared say these words aloud.

“It is,” 2B agreed. She had had 9S and 6O by her side in a manner of speaking, but she hadn’t been able to rely on them for support when she needed it, and 9S had so many missing memories… In many ways, even though their presence made things feel more bearable, she had often felt alone, and like she was carrying the weight of her actions all by herself. Commander had tried to reassure her regarding the latter, reminding her that the weight of the actions were on the Commander’s shoulders, but… somehow, she had never been able to fully convince herself that it wasn’t something for her to regret.

In some ways, A2 still felt a sense of alienation and loneliness. She wasn’t sure whether it was because she had yet to fully trust and open up to 2B, or if it was a hole she would carry around for the rest of her existence after losing so many of her comrades. But… she felt less empty these days, ever since they had woken up.

In some ways, losing some of that numbness was awful. It meant she had to face more of the pain of all she had lost and each of her regrets. Perhaps that was why she often still found herself slipping into it when she felt overwhelmed.

It also allowed moments of happiness, though. Sitting like this with 2B… somehow, it made her happy. She never wanted to give this up. “2B?”

“Hm?”

“…You mentioned that you wanted to try fishing more. I was wondering if you would teach me, and… maybe we could go fishing together?”

That surprised her, but pleasantly so. “I didn’t know you were interested in fishing.”

A2 looked away, feeling a bit shy. She wasn’t really interested in fishing before, but she wanted to try it out because she knew 2B was interested in it. And… honestly speaking, she wanted to spend more time with 2B. “It sounds like you enjoy it, so maybe I’d like it too,” she answered. Even as she made the excuse, she felt her face slightly overheating.

If she didn’t know any better, she would say that A2 was… embarrassed? But why? At any rate, it would be nice to spend more time together. “Yes, we can go fishing together. Of course.”

A2 could get used to this, she mused. Spending time with 2B. It was almost surprising just how comfortable she felt with 2B by her side like this.

2B wanted to suggest they go to the Resistance Camp to get a fishing pole for herself since she wouldn’t have her pod, but sitting next to A2 like this felt peaceful. She wanted to relax like this a little longer. She would bring up the need for another fishing pole later, she decided, or she could go get it by herself. After all, it wasn’t as though there was any rush. It was especially nice to be able to relax like this now, considering how much there had been to take in over the past few weeks since waking.

She wondered why, even as special as 9S was to her, lately she had been more partial to spending time with A2. Was it simply because she was excited about newly getting to know A2? Was it a sense of security as she looked up to someone who had more experience as a former YoRHa soldier compared to herself? No… that didn’t quite feel accurate.

2B hesitated, then scooted closer to A2, until their arms were touching. She liked being close to A2 like this more than she ever could have anticipated, and since A2 didn’t seem to mind, she found herself seeking the contact.

A2 smirked. “I never knew you were so touchy-feely,” she teased, although there was no malice in her voice at all.

_Neither did I,_ she wanted to say. Perhaps this was the rebound effect of having pushed everyone away for so long. “Is this alright?” she asked instead.

“Yeah.” A2 laid her head on 2B’s shoulder. She didn’t know why she craved to be close to 2B like this, but she did have a theory. Quietly, she voiced this thought. “I guess we’ve both been lonely for too long.”

Something in her chest fluttered when she felt A2’s head on her shoulder. How odd. If it happened again, perhaps she ought to ask 9S to do a scan and make sure everything was alright. For now, she leaned her head against A2’s. “Yes. But… we don’t have to be lonely anymore.”

It wasn’t completely true for A2. She was sure that there would always be a sense of loneliness for the comrades she had lost. Even so, she felt less lonely when she was with 2B.


End file.
